Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Ralph the Police Witch

 My dad, Ralph, is a Police Witch. That's not his official title, rather one I've appointed him.* The Collins English Dictionary website defines witch as follows:

Ralph is not a woman. He is not evil nor does he practice black magic. He is not wicked or ugly. In fact, one of my previous work colleagues told me she fancied him, and that he has a 'lovely aura' which I find sort of disturbing. She also believed herself to be a white witch. I see some sort of witch-related pattern forming.
My portrayal of him as a witch stems from his magic powers. He sees into the future. I call him a Police Witch as his visions are road safety or law and order related. And he is a retired policeman.

Delivered via text as if a subscribed-to-service, I receive sparsely written messages on a daily basis - usually early morning - presenting warning based predictions for the day.

"Watch the roads. The sun'll be low in the sky." (It's sunny out when I get this message.)

"Watch the roads. They'll be wet." (Usually raining.)

"There are new traffic wardens operating in Cardiff. Watch you don't get booked." (I really did narrowly escape this fate about two hours later, at the hands and ticket machines of the purple clad vehicle vultures.)

"Watch the roads. They'll be slippery." (Usually snowing.)

"Watch the roads. They'll be dark." (Night-time.)

You get the picture. He was thinking about setting up his own business recently. I am sure that a Ralph the Police Witch website would be a roaring success. In exchange for a fee, he could distribute his prophecies on-line, as well as via text, e-mail or twitter feed. In fact, I'll start some early market research. If you'd sign up to Police Witch tweets, please let me know.

Take a look into the skies of South Wales tonight, and you might catch a glimpse of my dad, scanning the streets on a broomstick with his walkie-talkie in hand, forming tomorrow's forecasts.

 Sort of without telling him.


  1. How soon is he going to get international? my age might catch up to me soon and flirting my way out of a ticket would not work anymore. I might be needing him to save me soon.

  2. Well, if my business idea to promote his predictions in South Wales goes to plan, I think Ralph the Police Witch could soon be global and he'll be employing Police Witches all over the world to watch out for low lying sun and traffic wardens. Watch this space for a news of a branch in Corsica!

  3. October the 31st beckons and I have been invited by this Police Witch for a curry, or could this be a magic potion? Can you advise me if I should attend!

  4. Well Robert/Lynda, I know the Police Witch does make a good curry. I also know that he only uses his magic for law and order purposes, so even if it is a magic curry, it'll have positive effects, such as equipping you with the ability to drive perfectly at all times or to see into the future, thus enabling you to become a fellow Police Witch. I advise you to go, but perhaps just address him as Ralph, not mentioning any of this witch business as he is very modest ;) I hope you enjoy!

  5. Lovely to read your writing. Wishing you all the best this fall season.


    Lisa Derrick
    La Figa